An Overdose of Crack
by Sofricus Aurora Zakuro
Summary: A series of minidrabbles, drabbles, oneshots, multishots all featuring crack pairings. Requests OPEN, het and yaoi only.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **I like writing crack.

I like reading crack.

Crack pairings are amazing.

KH crack is awesome crack

So, I present to you a collection of mini-drabbles, drabbles, oneshots, maybe even multishots

Featuring KH crack pairings.

Requests are _open, _(plz het&yaoi only)

KH is Nomura's and Enix's but not Sofri's (that was a **Disclaimer**)

And so

without further ado, I give you:

AN OVERDOSE OF CRACK

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…you're not! _(Megara/Demyx) _

All the men in Olympus were egotists.

Or at least, every man Megara knew. Wonderboy—Hercules—was strong, was handsome, and was an egotist. _(so she dumped him)_. The little goat-man, Phil, was a good teacher, was smart, and was an egotist _(so she ignored him)_. Sora was the Keyblade master, had saved the world twice, and was an egotist _(so she insulted him)._ Hades was immortal, was powerful, and was an egotist _(so she called him Barbecue Head and roasted marshmallows in his hair)._

But they were _all _egotists, so Meg got used to them. Or at least for a while. After a while, she ran out.

Ran out of hideous stone vases in which to hide the dozen bouquets of flowers Wonderboy left on her doorstep to win her back. Ran out of tuneless songs she could sing to herself while Phil was lecturing. Ran out of stupid names to yell at Sora as he emerged victorious from yet another tournament. And ran out of marshmallows to roast on Hades' head.

So she left. Megara left Olympus, went down to the Underworld. Hades was never there anymore, he was up at the Coliseum trying to destroy Hercules in the most impressive, ego-feeding way possible, so she got in easily.

And as she wandered through the stone labyrinths of the dead's domain, she ran into a man. He was thin and young with large blue eyes and an oversized black coat. He squealed in fright when she ran into him, and timidly gave her his name (Demyx,) asked her where he was, and would she please give him directions to Mount Olympus.

Needless to say, Megara was shocked.

Demyx was timid, was insecure about himself, and was not an egotist. _(so she kissed him). _


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **OK, this is chapter Two. It will feature not one but **Two **lovely little pieces of crack, both requested by the lovely Chiisarin! Here are your requests—the first is a mid-length het oneshot and the second is a yaoi drabble.

**Disclaimer: **NOTHING IS MINE.

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II. Elatyriaf _(Auron/Olette)_

Once upon a kingdom called Twilight Town, there lived a princess with brown hair and green eyes who liked sea-salt ice cream, shopping, and the color orange. Her name was Princess Olette.

Like so many others of her kind, Princess Olette needed rescuing.

But not by a prince. Oh no, she had enough of those. Four, to be precise, who had nothing better to do with their time but sit around Twilight Town boasting about which one would finally win Princess Olette's hand in marriage. They were Prince Hayner, who was athletic and handsome, Prince Pence, who was kind and caring, Prince Roxas, who was quiet and mysterious, and Prince Seifer, who was commanding and strong.

However, all four of them seemed to neglect the fact that Princess Olette was not in love with any of them.

She couldn't stand them, actually. The boasting was bad enough, but the last straw came when the foursome finally decided to get off their posteriors and actually have a fight to the death, the winner becoming Princess Olette's new husband.

So there they stood, squaring off in the Sandlot Jousting Arena, gripping their sword and yelling challenges, with Princess Olette in the middle trying to explain that she didn't want any of them dead.

Then _he _came.

He was tall, dark, and anything but handsome. He was cloaked and battle-scarred and looked at least forty years old. He was everything the four young, fair princes weren't. And he identified the problem right away.

"These guys bothering you?" he asked Princess Olette. The usually spunky girl could only nod in astonishment.

He smirked. "You want me to get you away from them?"

Nod.

"I'm no prince," he informed her. "Quite the opposite. I'm Dark Mage Auron."

"I don't want one," she told him. "A prince, that is."

He grinned. "Then let's go."

As soon as she got home that night, Princess Olette took out her cell phone and put in a call to Princess Kairi and Princess Selphie in the faraway Kingdom of Destiny Islands. Through swollen lips she told them of her day, unable to keep from bragging.

Because after all, any princess can have a fairytale ending. It takes a pretty special person to get a reverse fairytale.

III. oops, almost blew my cover… _(Xigbar/Donald)_

As the one-eyed man faded into black, putting away his guns for the last time, Donald Duck felt a stab of regret.

They'd had so little time together, really, they'd barely known one another. They had been on opposite sides, after all.

"There's no future for us together," Xigbar had pointed out that night in the Land of Dragons.

And Donald had shrugged and replied, "But there's a now."

And the gunman had grinned. "That's the most philosophical comment I've ever heard from a duck."

Now he was dead, killed by Donald's own best friends...

"Hey, Donald, are you okay?" Sora inquired.

"As if." Too late he realized he'd used his love's catchphrase.

The brunette's brow screwed up in concentration. "Didn't I hear someone say that recently?"

"Erm…no?" the duck stammered.

"OK," Sora agreed and continued on walking, humming softly to himself.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **Only one fun crack oneshot for you guys this time…but it's a long one. This is at the request of Skitts. I'll have your other two requests up next chapter hopefully, but this was the one I had most inspiration for.

**Disclaimer: **KH is NOT MINE  
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IV. Starts with a K? _(Anti-Sora/Riku Replica)_

It's dark.

He doesn't like dark.

He's pretty sure he came from somewhere light. Somewhere light, with lots of trees and a blue sky…and someone he cared about. Someone that he knew nothing about.

Except that his/her/its name starts with a K.

Light.

Suddenly, it's not dark anymore, and somebody is there with a light. It's nobody he knows. It can't be the blonde man with the too-cold eyes who pokes at him with strange instruments and writes endless notes in thick black books, because he never turns on the lights. It can't be the pink-haired person whose gender he cannot tell that sometimes comes looking for the blonde man, because she (he?) turns on too many lights. This person has a light, but it's muted.

Like s…something that begins with an S. S…sun…

Sunset.

He likes sunsets. The person who he cares about (their name starts with a K, right?) used to sit with him at sunset.

The person steps out of the muted-sunset-light. He gasps.

"You!" The word is spoken out of two mouths as two pairs of eyes widen in a flood of mixed emotion. Awkward silence follows.

He realizes that he doesn't like silence. He likes talking, and having someone listening. So he breaks the silence.

"Your name doesn't happen to start with a K, does it?"

"No. Does yours?"

"No."

"Well, that's out of the way, then," he remarks, in a matter-of-fact tone. After a momentary pause, the stranger continues. "You're not supposed to be black,"

"Well, you're not supposed to be a _girl!_"

He doesn't like being insulted. He's pretty sure this person with the strange silver hair and the entrancing aquamarine eyes and the white skirt (the cause of his childish comeback) likes to insult him. He's pretty sure starts-with-a-K never insults him, and that's why he cares about him/her/it.

Silver-hair blinks. "Do I know you?"

He frowns. "Yes. I think. I don't quite know how I feel about you. Your name doesn't start with a K, though, so you can't be the person I'm looking for."

Silver-hair nods sagely. "Ah, yes. You seem familiar—but your name doesn't start with K either, so I _can't _be searching for you. Yet…some part of me, that I'd like to call my heart, although I know I haven't got one, knows you."

His frown deepens. "Stop talking in riddles," he pouts. He doesn't like riddles.

"I can resist your pout, silly."

"Of course you can. I knew that. Why did I try?" He _did _know that, now that he thinks about it. (He's pretty sure starts-with-a-K obeyed the pout, though).

Silver-hair puts on a slight frown. "Do you want out?"

He frowns. "Out of where?"

Silver rolls his eyes. "The lab. You don't like darkness. Although, seeing as you're black now, you may, but…The old you didn't."

He nods. "You're right. I don't." He doesn't like black either. He likes red—is starts-with-a-K's hair red?—and he might like silver.

Silver reaches out for his hand, and he offers it. Surprisingly, his black, smoky hand is substantial, and it neatly contrasts Silver's pale skin.

With that touch comes a flood of memories. He breaks into a wide grin, and Silver's lips quirk up. He realizes that he likes it when Silver smiles.

"You."

The word is spoken yet again from two mouths simultaneously, but this time so much comes with it. All feelings of awkwardness and confusion are gone, and faint memories of starts-with-a-K and her red hair fade into oblivion and with a swift movement they both _know _is natural, obsidian lips are against ivory.

They're kissing.

He likes kissing.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **You get _**3 **_lovely bits of crack this chapter, two requests from Skitts and one of my own favorite crack pairings I've been itching for wtie. Skitts, you asked for Alice/Anyone…you said I could choose, so I picked this one that goes best with my inspiration. Hope you enjoy.

**Disclaimer: **For the last time, I OWN NOTHING

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V. Wife _(Alice/Riku)_

I gently tug on my wife's hand as I lead her from my gummi ship to her new home. She stumbles, tripping, her dress too long. With her blonde hair and blue eyes and that lacy white dress Aerith sewed for her, she looks like a china doll.

As we step out hand in hand, she looks at me, and those china-doll eyes blink. Her voice is low and melodious as she speaks one word at me.

"Rabbit."

I've known my wife since she was six, and as far as I know, she's always been like this. Vacant and staring, trapped inside her own mind, not recognizing the people around her. Only occasionally will she speak, and then it is a word or short phrase: "Queen," "Cat," "Tea Party," and once, shouted with fear and confusion, "I'm late!"

She had no parents—when they found out their daughter was crazy, they abandoned her and her brother. It was through Sora that I met her, my wife. Sora cared for her as best any big brother could care for his insane little sister, and he loved her despite the fact she didn't know they were related. But they were poor, and he could provide nothing for her but a brother's love.

I had pitied her, the little crazy china-doll sister of my best friend, and that was probably why things turned out the way they did, that fatal day three months ago.

She had been having a fit, convulsing and crying and occasionally screaming "Cards" or "Heart" in a terrified voice. Now she was sobbing in Sora's lap, and she looked more miserable than I had ever seen her. And he looked up at me with all the fear and love he felt for her easily visible in his sky-blue eyes and spoke five words.

"Marry her," he pleaded, then again, "Marry her, Riku."

But I heard the unspoken words in his eyes, _Marry her, because you're rich, and can afford to send her somewhere where they can help her. Marry her, Riku, marry her._

And I looked into his eyes and then into hers and tried to find it in my heart to tell the truth. Explain that I could never love this trapped girl because (_wrongly, so wrongly) _I had fallen in love with her brother.

So out of pity for Alice and (_forbidden, wrong) _"other" feelings for Sora, I nodded.

And now I am going to spend my life with a wife who doesn't even and will never know that we are married, and deep down in the _(dark, tainted) _parts of my heart I wonder if the gratitude in Sora's eyes was worth it.

_VI. _Overture in AU_ (Aerith/Zexion) _

_The short, slate-haired teenager lifted his eyes from a book to find the pretty young librarian staring at him. His cheeks tinted burgundy as Miss Gainsborough's green, green, emerald green beautiful green eyes met his own, a tiny smile gracing her lips._

_**This is it, **__Zexion Lesen thought as he arose from his seat. Finally, after four years of crushing on the librarian, he was going to confess his feelings to pretty Miss Gainsborough._

_He hadn't wanted to, of course. It was only when his best friend since childhood, Demyx Spielen, had accidentally discovered Mr. Fluffer-Nutter, Zexion's bright pink teddy bear that he used to (read still) slept with. The musician had threatened the bookworm with telling the school gossip, Axel Brennen, about his secret unless Zexion confessed to Miss Gainsborough within the week._

_Suave and stylish, dressed in his best black collared shirt and black jeans, the teen approached the desk. "Miss Gainsborough?"he spoke in his best cultured-yet-dangerous voice._

"_Oh…Mr. Lesen, please __**do **__call me Aerith," she practically begged, fluttering her emerald eyes at him charmingly._

"_Pleased…but only if you call me Zexion...and go to dinner with me at the annual Literature Lovers' Dinner in Twilight Town next week," He winked a violet eye at the young librarian._

"_Oh Zexion….I'd love to…."_

"_So it's a date?"_

"_Of course…Mr. Lesen? Mr. Lesen?"_

"I thought I told you to call me Zexion…" he murmured. "I thought you were gonna go out with me…."

"Mr. Lesen? Um…the library is closing now."

"Wha?" Zexion shot upright, and quickly assessed the situation. He was in the Radiant Garden library, but the sky was quickly darkening. The book he'd been reading, _The Effect of the Heart on the Psyche, _was lying open to page 42. Miss Gainsborough was standing over him, a look of utmost confusion on her face.

"Mr. Lesen….uh, you fell asleep. I think you've been asleep for about an hour. You were uh…" She blushed. "Dreaming?"

Zexion's face soon darkened to rival Axel Brennen's hair as he began to realize the truth. "Um…er…I better be going."

He dashed outside the library, pausing only to hook his book bag through a thin arm as he passed.

Demyx and his other best friend, Naminé Zeichnen, were standing on the steps of the library. Naminé had an impatient grimace on her face, but Demyx was smirking and holding something behind his back.

Before Zexion could speak a single word, Demyx bounded up to his friend and thrust something large, soft, and pink into his face.

Zexion's face darkened again. "Mr…Mr. Fluffer-Nutter? H—how…did you find out…oh, you're not going to tell…please…"

Demyx and Naminé were now both looking at him with identical smirks. Zexion could read the malicious intentions in two pairs of blue eyes.

Sighing, and shooting his two friends his best "I-hate-you" glare, Zexion Lesen turned and walked back into the library.

_VII. _Stop! _(Cloud/Yuffie)_

"_The Heartless have invaded," _says Cloud.

Yuffie is bouncing around and she doesn't stop, just grabs her shuriken and runs out the door still moving and sporting this huge wild grin on her face and she goes to fight without ever stopping and Cloud follows sadly.

"_The Keybearer has come to help," _says Cloud.

Yuffie is bouncing around and she doesn't stop, just gets this big grin and jumps out the door to go find Sora and give him the traditional over-excited "Yuffie welcome" without ever stopping and Cloud follows sadly.

"_We have won the war," _says Cloud

Yuffie is bouncing around and she doesn't stop, just cheers wildly and bounces out the door to find Aerith and Leon and Cid and Tifa and Merlin and have a big party without ever stopping and Cloud follows sadly.

"_I love you," _said Cloud

Yuffie is bouncing around and she stops, decelerating like a treadmill when the safety clip flies off until she is standing there completely still and she finally says "I love you too, silly!"

and Cloud kisses her happily.


End file.
